Category Archives: Words with E

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E Explains Wrestling

Round 1

Lis, our child has been wrestling every year since he turned 5, yet you still lack even a basic understanding of what is happening on the mat.

No, I get it. But when you say “wrestling,” you are talking about the really boring gymnastics we take him to every year to get him in shape for soccer, right? The one where there are no actual events, they just climb all over each other and occasionally do the splits, yes?

That’s wrestling.

*crinkled brow*

W-R-A-S-S-E-L, ah hell, I can’t spell it.

*thinking face*   But, uh, everyone is so bendy. That’s gymnastics.

When they are bendy, they are in pain but don’t want to give up points so they take it as long as they can while trying to escape.

That sounds incredibly inefficient. I don’t really feel comfortable supporting such an endeavor. Why would you take pain willingly? Wait. Is this some sort of government sponsored program to prepare young children for terrorist kidnapping and torture when they are forced to join the military after Piggy takes over Airstrip One and Old Major has to rally the citizens for the Rebellion? Except in the end the answer to the violence all along was 42 because, duh, Deep Thought.

Are you on drugs?

No, that was totally bait to see if you ever actually read any of the required classics in high school. I see you did not. Who wrote your book reports for you is what I’m wondering? I need some names. So I can stalk them on Facebook to make sure I’m doing better than them.

Books have nothing to do with wrestling. Pay attention.

I respectfully disagree. As you can see on this Amazon listing that I just pulled up, Winning Wrestling Moves is a book about learning how to wrestle. Most every problem in life can be resolved with a book.

Except the inability to blend in with society in a normal manner because your nose is always stuck in a book. It can’t solve that problem.

Can’t it?

No.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Reeaauuuuhhhllly? What about where the book specifically written for that problem talks about setting aside time daily to have social interactions? Or scheduling weekly outings to places teeming with society so that  you feel more and more comfortable being around people?

I’m walking away now. You are weird.

But when you say weird, you mean that in an intellectually complementary way, correct?

*empty room*

Hello?  Where’d you go?

 

Round 2:

Let’s try this again, mkay? Wrestling. How it works.

I know how it works. They study total quality management, get their certificate and then apply the new skills they’ve learned to some sort of mental mind game they play while circling each other on a mat dressed in leotards.

I just….

I don’t have a problem with the confusing and bewildering idea that people would want to watch boys engaged in a battle of wits who also happen to be dressed unflatteringly so much as I take fault with the question of why aren’t there more Japanese wrestlers?

What?

Well the whole Kaizen thing, you know?

The character building Kaizen that the coaches teach? Is that what you are talking about?

Kaizen is a Japanese business philosophy of continuous improvement of working practices. You learn about it in business school. Like an entire semester, it was dreadful. A lot of industrial-type industries embrace it as a working model for total quality improvements.

Was it dreadful because you were learning about industrialization and you refuse to  understand how things get made so you usually tell our children everything is magic? Like when Noelle asked how I built our house and even though you witnessed the entire event, you told her elves came in the middle of the night and sprinkled glitter sawdust over everything and when you woke up the house was there?

No, that’s how it really happened. I remember.

Or when Wyatt asked you how gas makes cars go and you told him it was a wizard’s elixir that cars drink to wake up the dragon inside their belly that blows fire out the exhaust pipe?

In hindsight, I can see there are a few missing pieces in that theory. For one, the car would always have a raging case of heartburn. It needs a little research but I think I’m still on the right track with that one.

Yoohooooo? Back to reality, fairy princess. We need to talk about wrestling.

FINE.

Okay, so each “match” has a certain amount of time…..

What fairy princess would you say I am?

Pardon?

Well, when you say “fairy princess,” I was just wondering which one you were referring to?

Any of them. It doesn’t matter.

But it DOES matter. For instance I only know of one fairy and that is Tinkerbell. But I know a LOT of princesses, so I was just wondering if you had access to some information that I might want to check out about fairies who also HAPPEN to be princesses?

*incredulous stare*

You can’t think of any can you? I knew it! It’s really not nice to lead me on with the suggestion that I resemble a fairy princess when all I’ve got to choose from is Tinkerbell. Because I’ve seen some of her storylines and I’m not real impressed with her personality or behavior. She’s a borderline deviant. I think she has ODD.

I swear this is a mistake, but what is ODD?

You down with ODD? Yeah you know me!

Son of a mother…

Just kidding, I’m a total conformist pleaser. No disorder for that suckers! Anyway, Oppositional Defiant Disorder. See this book here lists the symptoms as negativity, defiance, disobedience, temper tantrums, argumentative with adults, annoys others deliberately. Hmmmmm. Oh my God. You have this! E you totally ARE down with ODD!

I’m gonna be down with something in about two seconds if you don’t focus and pay attention.

Oops, time for me to go to book club. Thanks for the lesson on, uh, I can’t remember, oh well. Byeeee.

Round Three:

Alissa, come here. I’ve created a safe, non-cluttered and quiet environment for us to talk gently about wrestling since you can’t seem to keep on topic whenever I try to teach you about it due to your wandering imagination and multiple distractions. Actually I think you might have adult onset Attention Deficit Disorder.

No. It’s mostly that I don’t like authority figures or taking orders from others. I do what I want. You can’t make me. I’m pretty badass actually.

Yeah, I’m sure that’s how most people would describe you. Exactly that way.

Well I’m not badass because you say I am. In that case I’m softass. Wait. I don’t like that either. Stop bossing me around!

WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT WRESTLING RIGHT NOW. AM I CLEAR?

Okay but only because I say it’s okay.

Uh huh. So in wrestling there are many different moves the boys can make to win points. The most points wins.

Okay but when you say boys, you really mean it in a gender neutral way, correct?

No. It’s mostly boys. But yes, girls can wrestle too but it is not as accepted yet as boys.

So what wrestling needs is a strong feminist figure like me to set an example. I knew I was going to get some use out of that unitard from 8th grade color guard again some day!

I’d like to NOT remember that you were ever in color guard if we could maybe never discuss it again. Ever. Like not even once.

Lycra is soooo stretchy. And it’s gold. Because Trojan colors, coolest junior high mascot ever! But Wyatt’s team is blue. Gold is complementary though so I’m sure I’ll fit right in. When can I start practice?

…..And one of the moves is called a double leg takedown. Or you can pin your opponent…..

Pin.  Ha ha. That’s dirty. Hey, where can I get some of that pink blush they wear all the time?

Excuse me?

You know. The boys always seem to have circular little rosy make-up on. Sometimes it’s not on their cheeks though, it’s like on a leg or something. Is that an initiation thing or does it signify they’ve made it to a certain level or how does that work?

It’s ringworm.

Is that the brand? Because I’ve never heard of that kind of blush before.

It’s an itchy skin disease caused by fungi.

Uh.

It spreads in moist conditions.

Stop.

It’s characterized by the formation of ring-shaped eruptive patches.

YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW!

I don’t shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you I throw up.

Real mature. Nice.

And then your mom comes around the corner and…

That’s enough. Let’s talk again when both of us can act like mature adults, I don’t want to argue. It’s SO hard to have a conversation with you! Seriously. You should try to focus.

But..

Now if you’ll excuse me, my Amazon order of Four Days to Glory: Wrestling with the Soul of the American Heartland just arrived and I need to learn about wrestling since you can’t take a second out of your day to teach me and someone needs to be in charge of our son’s athletic finesse.

 

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How’s your classics trivia?

Books referenced: Lord of the Flies, 1984, Animal Farm, Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy

 

 

cat2

WIN(!)co

There’s an unspoken agreement in our household regarding separation of duties.  For example, E does everything outside like plowing, raking, weeding, mowing, landscaping, making sure the animals are fed, hunting, gathering, etc.  I do the stuff inside the house.  I don’t need to list all of it because, duh, boring.  Also, I’m not really sure that what I do can be qualified as work because most of the time I just run around screeching like a banshee that everything is a goddamn disaster and then take a break with a glass of wine to calm down, after which I usually decide it’s time to start pursuing another degree to get out of the household responsibilities, because ohmygod the stress of it all.  And then E takes over as best as he can while yelling at all of us and basically having about 10 nervous breakdowns a week. I’m sure this is how 99% of all American households (dys)function.

Occasionally we switch places to change things up and make our pitifully boring lives more interesting.  Like this summer when I had an hour of free time and asked E if he needed help with anything and he told me to go mow the soccer field.  Then he had to show me where the soccer field is located, where the lawnmower is stored, how to start it, how to mow, how to empty the bag, and then ran after me the whole time yelling that I was doing it wrong while I cried and panicked that I was going to cut my limbs off.  Guys, mowing is crazy scary.  The moral of that story is that I’m not equipped emotionally to mow, nor is E equipped temperamentally to instruct me in anything remotely considered “heavy machinery operation.”

So, this weekend when we had a few hours to kill between the 500 sports the kids are enrolled in, I asked E if he wouldn’t mind swinging by the grocery store real quick.  Now I’m not going to say E never goes to the grocery store, but if he does, it’s usually Rosauer’s at Five Mile for a few items.  He doesn’t do Walmart, and had never been in a Winco.  The store I needed to go to was Winco because they are the only establishment in town that carries a highly specialized item that I was in need of.  You guessed it, strawberry sour belts.

We pulled into the parking lot and I felt like I had to maybe do some prepping with E because I like him to be prepared in situations so that, you know, he remains sane.  I told him Winco would be an adventure and that it was basically a cross between a Grocery Outlet and Walmart.  Before we even got into the store he was muttering under his breath, which should have been my cue to turn around and do this another day except I wanted those sour belts SO BAD.

As usual, as soon as we got into the store E went in one direction and I went in the other.  The kids and I headed over to the bulk items to each pick out a treat.  Well, actually I was wondering how ridiculous it would look if I just asked an employee to bag up the entire bin of sour belts and then I’d have at least a month supply; and the kids were arguing over which was better, sour gummy worms or Sour Patch Kids.  These kind of discussions are usually highly spirited so I was attempting to keep the kids in control when out of nowhere E appears and says quietly “We need to leave.  Right Away.”

“Uhmmm, as you can see, we aren’t quite ready yet.  Also, how do you feel about Cinnamon Bears vs. Hot Tamales?  Answer carefully, it will give me greater insight into a specific dimension of your personality that I haven’t quite yet conquered.”

(grim mouthed) “No. Time. To. Talk.  Need to leave now.”

(uppy eyebrows, whispered) “WTH E? I’m busy.  Go look at something.”

(intense eyes) “I WAS looking at something.  The produce, hot peppers.”

“And?”

“And…..OMG, is she behind me?”

(exasperated) “Did you fall and hit your head?  What is wrong with you? Chillax.”

“A lady tried to pick me up.”

“Physically?  Because, right.  Nice try lady. You can’t swim because you’re solid muscle and sink to the bottom.  I’d like to see a lady try to pick you up.”

“Once again, not a literal translation.  Pick me up.  You know, like sexually.”

“Very funny.  We’re at Winco.  This isn’t a singles club if you haven’t noticed.  Also, this is an inappropriate way to get me to feel jealous.  It’s conflicting with my sugar addiction and I can’t get jealously mixed up with needing a fix because, well, whatever, watch Celebrity Rehab once in a while and you’ll understand.”

 “Pretty sure that show got cancelled, Crazy Town.  Focus.  MUST LEAVE BUILDING.”

“Because someone wants to date you?”

“So I’m standing in the produce section looking at the hot peppers and this lady just starts talking to me.”

“Oh wow.  Yeah she for sure wants you.”

“And she says her husband died.”

“Well that part is sad.  The poor thing.”

“And that he liked peppers.”

“Naturally.  Classic pick up line.”

“And that she just got bit by a cat.”

“Okay.  Hmm.  She’s taking it off on a tangent a little.  Maybe feeling out your kinkiness level?”

“And that her leg is infected.”

“Uh.”

“And that it smells.”

“What.”

“And is growing hair.”

“YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU ARE TALKING TO ME!  Just stop.  Disgusting.  If you wreck my sour belt experience, so help me…”

“So I told her I got bit by a cat once.”

“Are you mental?  Why did you keep talking to her?”

“I didn’t know what to do!”

“And now you’re BFF’s, sharing the cat biting bond together?”

“And I told her she should be careful because the cat gave me Cat Scratch Fever.  Just like in the song by Ted Nugent.”

“Inherently leading her to assume you are just as crazy as she is.  On several levels.  Before bringing Ted into the conversation.”

“And that I had to go to the hospital for a week for IV treatment.”

“I’ve been away from you for like 2 minutes.  What the hell?”

“And I was trying to back away but she kept following me.”

“Because you showed fear.  You stupid, stupid man.  You can borrow my safety whistle if you want.”

“We have to go.  PLEASE!”

“Fine, whatever.  C’mon kids.  Daddy got scared by a lady on crutches.  I guess we have to go.”

When we got in the car, E was still visibly shaken so I pulled out my secret weapon.

“Here.  I got you the cinnamon bears.  As you can see, I actually do know you frighteningly well.  Also your son got the orange slices you like.  Some advice? I find it helpful to eat my emotions when I’m that upset. Go to town, stud.”

He didn’t follow my advice of course, which led me to my passive-aggressive way to get even….feeding the kids propaganda on how much Daddy would love a new kitty for Valentine’s Day.  They know just enough farm kids with stray cats to make this evil plan actually work.  Because marriage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

freud2

The One

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but did you hear the Hooters in the Valley is closing down?

What?! They have the best wings. You’ve got to be kidding me.

Nope.

Why?

I’m not sure if you are phrasing that as a rhetorical question? I mean I suppose I could try to research it. I would need to analyze their quarterly filings and see if they break the numbers down geographically by district, but I’m not sure if they make that information public. Then I would want to compare the numbers to similar establishments. And I would need to set up a spreadsheet so I could cross-tabulate the figures and run some regression analysis…

Halt, nerd. What are they going to do with the space?

It sounds like they are putting in a farm-to-table restaurant that serves breakfast food.

Isn’t that pretty much already what it is? HA HA NAILED IT! Farm to table, get it? Hooters. Oh, man I’m so funny.

I don’t find your sexual innuendo humorous whatsoever. Not cool. Don’t make me pull out a Friedanism.

You mean Freud.

Gross. Freud was an arschloch. Betty Friedan, duh. Never mind. No, not never mind. “But what happens when women try to live according to an image that makes them deny their minds? What happens when women grow up in an image that makes them deny the reality of the changing world?” 1

Calm down, Wollstonecraft. It was a joke. Also, you might need to lay off the studying for a day, you are getting a little cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

“Strengthen the female mind by enlarging it, and there will be an end to blind obedience.”2

*sigh*

Bring it.

No, I’m done. That was exhausting. Also I think it took up some valuable brain space that I need for other things like jurisprudence and civil procedure.

So basically feminism is evil?

Uhm, I think that was an extremely inappropriate analogy of what I just said.

Analogy is “anal” with “ogy” at the end. Freud coined the term “anal retentive”. Ergo I’m a clever, witty, genius.

Ergo, ha ha. Makes me think of The Architect from The Matrix. And that makes me think of the SNL parody with Will Ferrall. “Ergo, vis a vis, concordently….”

Everything relates back to The Matrix for you, doesn’t it?

Duh. Best love story ever!

Not a love story. Action film.

*disappointed eyes, hanging head*

You are so, so wrong.

*whispered*

“The Oracle told me I would fall in love and that that man….the man that I loved would be The One.”3

Okay, Trinity. You want to call me Neo, don’t you?

Whoa, let’s not rush into anything! I feel like we are still getting to know each other? This is a preliminary test period where we decide if we think we’ll last the test of time.

We’ve been married for 17 years.

Exactly!

*incredulous eyes*

What? Commitment is a serious obligation. You really shouldn’t take it so lightly.

That’s 6,205 days together and we were dating for five years before that so, 8,030 days. What is the minimum threshold, 10,000? Is that when you’ll be ready to “settle down”?

It’s hard to say, really. How does one know when it’s the right time?

When they accept a proposal and say “I do”?

Words. Actions. What does that even mean?

Here we go again. Meaning. Graduate school really ruined you, I have to say.

*blank eyes, crickets chirping*

Hello?

Right! Sorry, I was thinking about Trinity again. I would really like to look that good in black vinyl pants. Also, now Wake Up by Rage Against the Machine is playing in my head.

Yeah, you are for sure a hardcore feminist.

Awwwwkward. Hey, I’m hungry, wanna grab some wings?

 

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1(Friedan, B., 2001, p. 120)

2(Wollstonecraft, M., 1792)

3(Trinity, The Matrix, 1999)

forest

mOrbid

The other day, E and I were driving down the road talking about how likely it is that he will die first.  He swears that if he has ample notice of when the time is coming, he’s just going to go into the woods and “give back to nature”.  I mentioned that this was pretty selfish because seriously?  I have to be all alone somewhere in a cold dark box and he gets to go party it up with nature?  Doesn’t seem fair is all I’m saying.  My friend Rochelle pointed out that this plan is probably illegal anyway and seeing as how E is, if nothing, an upstanding citizen of the law, he’ll probably change his mind.

Then there’s also the problem of someone discovering the body.  Frightening if you ask me.  If I was going for a hike and found some body randomly in the forest, it would freak me the eff out and probably forever ruin my outdoor experiences (obviously I’m extremely outdoorsy, duh).  Then when I found out the person did it on purpose, I’d be pretty damn pissed.  But E says he’ll hide good enough so that no one finds him.  Seems to me that he’s given this quite a bit of thought, like premeditated thought, right?  Highly suspicious.

Anyway, as we were having this conversation I mentioned that his death could be imminent.  I mean, you never know when your time is coming and he seems to be in a pretty high danger category so….I said I should probably start getting prepared by joining match.com right now.  I like to research things a lot so it just seems natural that I should start pre-screening applicants so that I’m prepared when the time comes.

He didn’t disagree, although he did make this comment:

“No. You need to join farmersonly.com. There’s no way someone from Match can A) deal with you and your inability to function in the real world; and B) manage our home and property effectively.  Plus my farmer friend said farmersonly.com is like shooting fish in a barrel there are so many women on there, so you should probably get your profile going right away if you want to have any hope…”

So I said:

“No. YOU should probably join match.com right now because there’s no way someone from Farmersonly could A) be as awesome as me; and B) see part A.”

He said that my argument wasn’t logical and that maybe I should join an online debate group to sharpen my reasoning and analytical abilities.

Just kidding.  He said “Ooooh, buuuuuurn.  Not.”

At the end of the day, I think we both knew the real underlying message was clear for both of us: We should both start dating immediately. No. Wait.  That wasn’t it.  What was the message again?  Oh, I remember, the moral of the story was that we are both clearly highly intelligent and mature geniuses and people should thank us for our contribution to society.  Or was it that we are both clearly low functioning dummies and society should incarcerate us for our own protection?  Hmmm.

house

For me?

The thing about celebrations is that I’m a really shitty gift giver.  At least with E.  It’s not that I don’t want to blow his mind with my thoughtfulness, it’s just that what he does is so ridiculous that I can’t even begin to compete (or more importantly, win) so I don’t bother trying.

Here are a few examples:

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1992

Me: Hi new boyfriend, here is a gift for Christmas that hopefully doesn’t say too much about the status of our relationship.  I hope you enjoy your ice scraper and scarf.

E: Thank you, how thoughtful.  Here is a custom-made jewelry box that I hand carved and inlaid with exotic wood.  I have about 100 hours into it, even though I’m only in high school and am holding down 3 jobs.

1996 Wedding Night:

Me:  Hello husband, here is a flask with your initials on it to match the ones we gave to your groomsmen. 

E:  Neat.  Here is our home we haven’t moved into yet because it wouldn’t be as special.   I’ve spread hundreds of dollars worth of rose petals in a candle lit path through the empty house.  I set up one room only.  The bedroom.  I hope you like it.

1999 Valentine’s Day:

Me:  Here’s some socks and underwear, I went all out this year.

E:  Thanks!  Guess what?  We’re going to New Zealand and Australia!  

2003 Christmas:

Me: You don’t get a gift, I just bore you a male offspring.

E:  Fantastic and thank you!  Here is a hand-built crib I’ve made for you two.  It’s nothing compared to the gift you’ve just given me but I hope you think it’s a little special.

2004 Anniversary:

Me: Here’s your dinner I made.

E:  Great!  Now close your eyes as I lead you to our just started framed-in new house where I’ve set up a candlelit table in the spot where the dining room will be.  We shall dine in the open as we look at the stars and picture our lives together in this home. THAT I’M BUILDING YOU.

2005 Spring:

Me:  Surprise I’m pregnant!

E:  Happy news!  Here is a diamond tennis bracelet I’ve been saving to give to you for this special occasion.

2007 Mother’s Day:

Me:   What’s for breakfast?

E: Well the kids and I have been up for hours putting this meal together for you.  Oh, and I painted you a picture.  It’s just a little watercolor…..

2009 Christmas:

Me: Thank goodness we decided not to buy each other gifts this year.

E:  Definitely.  Hey go look in that room I’ve had blocked off for 3 months.  Surprise! I built you a library complete with custom-made rolling ladders for you to reach the high shelves.  Oh, I also found this desk about to go to the junk yard and I refinished it, it’s probably about 100 years old.  I wanted you to have a nice place for your graduate studies.

2013 Christmas:

Me: Nailed it!  Here is the mini food chopper you casually mentioned about 5 months ago.  I totally remembered you wanted it to make salsa and here it is!  I WIN!

E:  Awesome!  Remember how you love music and how the Bug has such a crappy radio?  Here is a new stereo system and speakers.  It has Bluetooth for answering your phone, an iPod sync, plus a USB port and Pandora and iheartradio.  

Me:  Son of a ….

_________________________________________________________________________

Next year I’m totally going to win.  I can feel it.

Also.  Girls, if you try to steal him, please know that he comes with 14 cars, an arsenal of guns and dead animals, an obsession with soccer and wrestling, and a romantic heart.

Merry Christmas E.  Here is a gift for you.  I made it myself.   :)

soccer3

E Explains Offsides

Round 1:

Ding, ding!

Lis, I’ve noticed you have no idea what is going on during soccer. It could be the constant look of “Da fuh?” on your face. Or, you’ve been upping your fiber intake again. Either way, particularly apparent is your complete lack of comprehension regarding offsides.

No, I know what offsides is. It’s when the ball goes across the white line on the side of the field that they painted so parents would know where to put their chairs.

No. That is out of bounds. Let’s take a minute and I’ll give you a lesson in offsides.

Okay. FUN!

Offsides is when…..

………..Awww, he’s so cute when he’s trying to teach me something. He gets so invested in making me understand the point! And he’s so intense about it, all squinty eyes and pointy fingers, Mr. Authoritarian, here to better the world with his higher knowledge about how things work. Kind of like a knowledge superhero. I wonder what he would look like in tights and a cape? Hmmm, geez what we should have for dinner tonight? Ah, who cares, I’m just in it for the wine anyway. Oh crap, did I unplug the iron this morning? Wait, we don’t own an iron, whew!

And so the defenders, hey, are you listening?

Oh yes, this is so interesting! I hope you can be a tad more detailed and specific though because this is helping so much.

Right. The defenders, they…..

………..Wait a minute. Why does he get to be a superhero? Not fair. I should be able to be one, too. Let’s see, what kind of hero could I be….Hmmm…I could be Bike Girl! No, no, all the other superheroes would beat me to the scene to save people because they can fly, no one rides a bike to the rescue. I would love to be WordGirl or Grammar Girl but they are already taken, those bitches. Why do they get to save nerds one sentence at a time and I don’t? Lame. Uhhhm, oh, okay, I’ve got it. BookGirl! I can wear my glasses, because, duh, you need protective eyewear when you are flying. And then my secret weapon could be that I kill evil villains by boring them to death with my exhaustive knowledge of plot theory…..

ALISSA!

Righty-O! Got it! Wow, thanks so much for explaining that, E. That is going to come in reeeeal handy at the next wrestling tournament, you betcha!

You are a piece of work.

Hey, thanks! Right back at ya, babe!

 

Round 2:

Ding, ding!

Okay, Lis, clearly my lesson on offsides did not register because at the game last night, every time the coach asked to sub a player, you yelled “Offsides! Take that you dummies!” Also, this is a child environment, you can’t call other people’s kids bad names.

I was calling the wizard and the cute little Munchkins that hold the pretty flags dummies.

I believe you are referring to the referee. And possibly the line judges, who are also children. Not Munchkins. Got it Dorothy?

*thinking eyes*

Stop it.

*confused frown*

Focus. I’m losing you.

So, that lady that wandered through the middle of the game last weekend wasn’t Glinda?

No, that was a confused immigrant.

But the dog? That was Toto, right?

Marmot.

Well I have to be honest here, soccer is just not going to be as interesting if there are no Munchkins, dogs or witches. Pretty much the only thing that keeps me going back is wondering if today is the day they are all going to break into song and overthrow the evil yellow and black striped wizard.

Clearly we’re done.

 

Round 3:

Ding, ding!

Alissa. Offsides. Lesson. Look! Pretty charts and graphs!

Oooooh, I like charts and graphs, tell me more!

Okay the little blue circles represent one team, and the little green circles represent the other team.

Okay! Question. When you say blue and green…are you talking about boys?

Yes, just like when Wyatt plays, all boys, right?

Uh-huh, but I feel like maybe that is a little gender biased? Why didn’t you pick pink and purple?

Listen, that’s not the point. Ugh, here – I’m changing them to pink and purple.

Or maybe it should be co-ed. Also, I don’t think you have properly represented the diversity in our city so you should probably also have a rainbow team.

Fine. Whatever. Can we get back to the explanation?

Yes, but hold on, what are the names of the teams?

Who cares!? Cripes. Okay, the Sharks and the Minnows.

Uhm, that will never work. The Minnows would always have an inferiority complex and then the Sharks would use that to their advantage, so….seems a little stacked in favor of the Sharks is all I’m saying.

*bulging vein in middle of forehead*

Also the uniforms? That would be weird. The Sharks would be all giant teeth and huge mouth and the Minnows would be all tiny dots swimming in unison. Wait. A. Minute. Strength in numbers, the Minnows could totally gang up on the Sharks. I see where you’re going with this! I like it! They should research that for Shark Week on the Discovery Channel.

*eyes closed, praying hands*

The Minnows couldn’t always be in a pack though, they would need a brave little fishy to make a pass to in order to score a goal. And that fishy would have to be at least even with the second to last defender (including the goalie) on the Sharks’ team before the ball has been kicked to him. Because, duh, otherwise that would be offsides.

*one eye opened*

WTF, where did that come from?!

Also, did you know “offsides” was introduced to prohibit lazy players from hanging around the goal to make easy shots? Under the rules of Eton College in 1847, offsides was called “sneaking”.

*hand over shocked mouth*

Uhm, I guess I already knew what offsides was. I read it in a historical novel about college life in the 1800’s. My bad. Let this be a lesson to you regarding the importance of literacy.

Yeah, thanks for the lesson.

 

 

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At first he was all cute little 5 year-old with his tongue out all the time.

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And then he turned into a badass, still with the tongue out.

 

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Look at the Munchkin in the background. Told you so!

Also, I don’t know what is going on here but something tells me I don’t like it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Words With E

ring, ring, ring

This is Alissa

I’m calling you on your mobile, you can see it’s me, why are you answering that way?

I’m at work, I want to keep it professional.

Whatever. I need you to look something up on the internet for me.

You know you have a smartphone right? With internet?

I told you, my fingers are too big to type things.

You can ask Suri to look something up on the iPad.

You lent out your new iPad to Suri? Tom Cruise’s daughter? That seems a little unnecessary. She probably already has one…

The fact that you know the name of Tom Cruise’s daughter is more disturbing to me right now than the fact that you don’t know there’s a tiny human living inside the iPad.

Right, anyway, look this up. X147(boring word) electric (sounds dangerous) with 20 Amp (yawn) …

Uh, the last time I Googled something at work that started with an X it took our system down for a couple of days.

Can you please just do it?

Fine. Ah, yes, wow, that is an amazingly uninteresting thing.

How much is it?

Well, let me just look here, do you want the one with the optional (meter/tank/pluggy in thing/fire breathing output doodad)?

No, just the regular one. I need it to install in the (giant blue uppy/downy machine). I’m going to sell it.

Oh thank God, I hate that thing.

Er, okay, why?

It’s just so smug sitting there, mocking the other machines all the time. Like it’s always letting them know it’s better than them because it’s 4×4.

I just..

Plus it’s so blue, like it’s showing off, you know? “Oh, look at me over here in all my wonderful blueness while you other disgusting machines are so stupid being yellow.”

What the hell?

Do you need anything else? I’m really busy being important at the moment.

Yes! How much?

Fifteen thousand yen. No. Wait. I think that’s euros. Ah, crikey, it’s in Australian dollars, mate! The dingo ate my baby!

Christ. Can you go to an American site please?

Here we go! $600 U.S. Dollars.

Okay, thanks.

Wait. Shouldn’t you hold off on selling that machine until you finish that one job where you have to do things way up high inside a house?

Silence.

Hello?

I know you took physics. And calculus. You were a chemistry major for a year.

And…..I’m brilliant and you are just now acknowledging it?

No, you are exceedingly inept at understanding how real things work.

Like?

Like you do realize if I were to use (ugly blue thing) INSIDE a house, I would need to take off the entire front of the house to drive it inside, right?

Oh. Don’t do that. Then the neighbors would see how messy they are. It might reflect poorly on you.

You looked way too good when you left this morning to have things like that coming out of your mouth.

Thank you? I’m sorry?

You are a hot mess.

I haven’t had enough coffee yet to understand the logistics of your sentence structure, are you saying I’m hot or that the chaos I create is hot? You know, like universal entropy?

I’m hanging up now.

Wait!!! It’s an important distinction! I need to know. Am? I? Hot?

Go ask Suri.

 

 

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Just look at it sitting there. Plotting. Judging. Ready to crush dreams.

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Words With E

E, remember that one time 3 months ago when we went to Glacier National Park for our first family vacation together in 3 years?  Remember how Glacier is in Montana and we live in Washington?  Remember how 10 minutes after we got into the car you yelled at the kids and I didn’t say anything but raised my eyebrow in a WTF way? Remember how you then explained that you had given up caffeine and alcohol, possibly forever, just that morning? The morning we were scheduled to strap ourselves into a car together for 10 days?  With our children? Who were in the middle of a particularly violent and loud phase of fighting about everything?  Is this ringing a bell? DO YOU REMEMBER THIS!?

Oh good. I apologize now for all the bottles of wine I ordered every night at dinner and all the stops I made you take at every espresso stand along the way.  Way to stick with your goals, it was a great example for the children.  They’ll probably thank you one day for the skills you’ve instilled in them like tenacity and tireless resolve.  Right after the weekly meeting with their therapist to work through their issues revolving around the time Daddy was cranky and Mommy amped up her drinking.

Also, thank you for putting up with us, that must have been a week of total hell for you.

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 Look how happy we all are!

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Here the children intensely study the local vegetation, so they know what to eat when they make their escape.

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Noelle practices her survivalist skills.

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The kids try to make a break for it while Dad’s not looking.

Words with E

You do realize this is a brand new blog, right?  Why are you so impatient?  This sub-topic is not done yet, gah!  But when it is done, you’re going to want to marry the shit out of it.  Know why?  E is an endless source of comedic material.  I usually don’t have to bait him either. When the two of us are embroiled in some kind of issue, hilarity ensues.  Usually it’s at my expense, but still.  And when the joke is on him and I get an opportunity to point it out, well my friends, really this is why my life is still (barely) worth living.

Eventually E is going to double click enough times on some obscure website about car parts that the computer will overload and bring up this page in an attempt to humiliate me (I know you, Apple, don’t think I don’t) so I need to say some really nice stuff about him.  Basically, he’s perfect.  He’s the smartest person I’ve ever met who doesn’t read books.  He knows how to do everything.  You know Neo from the Matrix? E is exactly like that except no one has to plug some bacterial-laden metal thing into the back of his head for him to download data.  He just figures shit out and does it perfectly and makes everyone else look like a bunch of jacked up dope heads.  He’s also extremely ethical, caring and a fricking artist.  So yeah, no idea what he’s doing with me except I think maybe I’m the only code he can’t crack so he sticks around for the challenge.  And since he’s a perfectionist, his internal rules won’t let him leave until he’s completed his task.  Tick tock, E. Tick tock.