E Explains Wrestling

Round 1

Lis, our child has been wrestling every year since he turned 5, yet you still lack even a basic understanding of what is happening on the mat.

No, I get it. But when you say “wrestling,” you are talking about the really boring gymnastics we take him to every year to get him in shape for soccer, right? The one where there are no actual events, they just climb all over each other and occasionally do the splits, yes?

That’s wrestling.

*crinkled brow*

W-R-A-S-S-E-L, ah hell, I can’t spell it.

*thinking face*   But, uh, everyone is so bendy. That’s gymnastics.

When they are bendy, they are in pain but don’t want to give up points so they take it as long as they can while trying to escape.

That sounds incredibly inefficient. I don’t really feel comfortable supporting such an endeavor. Why would you take pain willingly? Wait. Is this some sort of government sponsored program to prepare young children for terrorist kidnapping and torture when they are forced to join the military after Piggy takes over Airstrip One and Old Major has to rally the citizens for the Rebellion? Except in the end the answer to the violence all along was 42 because, duh, Deep Thought.

Are you on drugs?

No, that was totally bait to see if you ever actually read any of the required classics in high school. I see you did not. Who wrote your book reports for you is what I’m wondering? I need some names. So I can stalk them on Facebook to make sure I’m doing better than them.

Books have nothing to do with wrestling. Pay attention.

I respectfully disagree. As you can see on this Amazon listing that I just pulled up, Winning Wrestling Moves is a book about learning how to wrestle. Most every problem in life can be resolved with a book.

Except the inability to blend in with society in a normal manner because your nose is always stuck in a book. It can’t solve that problem.

Can’t it?


Are you sure?


Reeaauuuuhhhllly? What about where the book specifically written for that problem talks about setting aside time daily to have social interactions? Or scheduling weekly outings to places teeming with society so that  you feel more and more comfortable being around people?

I’m walking away now. You are weird.

But when you say weird, you mean that in an intellectually complementary way, correct?

*empty room*

Hello?  Where’d you go?


Round 2:

Let’s try this again, mkay? Wrestling. How it works.

I know how it works. They study total quality management, get their certificate and then apply the new skills they’ve learned to some sort of mental mind game they play while circling each other on a mat dressed in leotards.

I just….

I don’t have a problem with the confusing and bewildering idea that people would want to watch boys engaged in a battle of wits who also happen to be dressed unflatteringly so much as I take fault with the question of why aren’t there more Japanese wrestlers?


Well the whole Kaizen thing, you know?

The character building Kaizen that the coaches teach? Is that what you are talking about?

Kaizen is a Japanese business philosophy of continuous improvement of working practices. You learn about it in business school. Like an entire semester, it was dreadful. A lot of industrial-type industries embrace it as a working model for total quality improvements.

Was it dreadful because you were learning about industrialization and you refuse to  understand how things get made so you usually tell our children everything is magic? Like when Noelle asked how I built our house and even though you witnessed the entire event, you told her elves came in the middle of the night and sprinkled glitter sawdust over everything and when you woke up the house was there?

No, that’s how it really happened. I remember.

Or when Wyatt asked you how gas makes cars go and you told him it was a wizard’s elixir that cars drink to wake up the dragon inside their belly that blows fire out the exhaust pipe?

In hindsight, I can see there are a few missing pieces in that theory. For one, the car would always have a raging case of heartburn. It needs a little research but I think I’m still on the right track with that one.

Yoohooooo? Back to reality, fairy princess. We need to talk about wrestling.


Okay, so each “match” has a certain amount of time…..

What fairy princess would you say I am?


Well, when you say “fairy princess,” I was just wondering which one you were referring to?

Any of them. It doesn’t matter.

But it DOES matter. For instance I only know of one fairy and that is Tinkerbell. But I know a LOT of princesses, so I was just wondering if you had access to some information that I might want to check out about fairies who also HAPPEN to be princesses?

*incredulous stare*

You can’t think of any can you? I knew it! It’s really not nice to lead me on with the suggestion that I resemble a fairy princess when all I’ve got to choose from is Tinkerbell. Because I’ve seen some of her storylines and I’m not real impressed with her personality or behavior. She’s a borderline deviant. I think she has ODD.

I swear this is a mistake, but what is ODD?

You down with ODD? Yeah you know me!

Son of a mother…

Just kidding, I’m a total conformist pleaser. No disorder for that suckers! Anyway, Oppositional Defiant Disorder. See this book here lists the symptoms as negativity, defiance, disobedience, temper tantrums, argumentative with adults, annoys others deliberately. Hmmmmm. Oh my God. You have this! E you totally ARE down with ODD!

I’m gonna be down with something in about two seconds if you don’t focus and pay attention.

Oops, time for me to go to book club. Thanks for the lesson on, uh, I can’t remember, oh well. Byeeee.

Round Three:

Alissa, come here. I’ve created a safe, non-cluttered and quiet environment for us to talk gently about wrestling since you can’t seem to keep on topic whenever I try to teach you about it due to your wandering imagination and multiple distractions. Actually I think you might have adult onset Attention Deficit Disorder.

No. It’s mostly that I don’t like authority figures or taking orders from others. I do what I want. You can’t make me. I’m pretty badass actually.

Yeah, I’m sure that’s how most people would describe you. Exactly that way.

Well I’m not badass because you say I am. In that case I’m softass. Wait. I don’t like that either. Stop bossing me around!


Okay but only because I say it’s okay.

Uh huh. So in wrestling there are many different moves the boys can make to win points. The most points wins.

Okay but when you say boys, you really mean it in a gender neutral way, correct?

No. It’s mostly boys. But yes, girls can wrestle too but it is not as accepted yet as boys.

So what wrestling needs is a strong feminist figure like me to set an example. I knew I was going to get some use out of that unitard from 8th grade color guard again some day!

I’d like to NOT remember that you were ever in color guard if we could maybe never discuss it again. Ever. Like not even once.

Lycra is soooo stretchy. And it’s gold. Because Trojan colors, coolest junior high mascot ever! But Wyatt’s team is blue. Gold is complementary though so I’m sure I’ll fit right in. When can I start practice?

…..And one of the moves is called a double leg takedown. Or you can pin your opponent…..

Pin.  Ha ha. That’s dirty. Hey, where can I get some of that pink blush they wear all the time?

Excuse me?

You know. The boys always seem to have circular little rosy make-up on. Sometimes it’s not on their cheeks though, it’s like on a leg or something. Is that an initiation thing or does it signify they’ve made it to a certain level or how does that work?

It’s ringworm.

Is that the brand? Because I’ve never heard of that kind of blush before.

It’s an itchy skin disease caused by fungi.


It spreads in moist conditions.


It’s characterized by the formation of ring-shaped eruptive patches.


I don’t shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you I throw up.

Real mature. Nice.

And then your mom comes around the corner and…

That’s enough. Let’s talk again when both of us can act like mature adults, I don’t want to argue. It’s SO hard to have a conversation with you! Seriously. You should try to focus.


Now if you’ll excuse me, my Amazon order of Four Days to Glory: Wrestling with the Soul of the American Heartland just arrived and I need to learn about wrestling since you can’t take a second out of your day to teach me and someone needs to be in charge of our son’s athletic finesse.



How’s your classics trivia?

Books referenced: Lord of the Flies, 1984, Animal Farm, Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy



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